Good News: You Are NOT Enough (But You Are Valuable!) (Part 1) (#54)

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It’s popular these days to see signs or memes declaring “You are enough.” Social media is filled with self-esteem pushers using this mantra to build people up in their flesh. But here is the naked truth, and deep down you know it…on your own you aren’t enough. And you and I are never going to be.

If we really believed we were enough, we certainly wouldn’t need a sign on our desk or a bookmarked meme to remind us.

At some point in our lives it seems we all have bought into the powerful lie that we are supposed to be enough. Most people spend decades trying to defeat this dragon, but have never stopped to ask from where – or from whom – this burden originates? Let me ask this question another way: who told you that you needed to be enough…and how would we define good enough anyway?

From birth it’s clear that we are utterly dependent on other people and incapable of meeting even our own basic needs. We are born without skill or the ability to perform any useful tasks. And, as long as we have some competent adult caregiver, we are fine with that truth just being the truth. As we grow and mature, we learn new skills, our cognitive function develops, and our bodies grow. We recognize that development takes time, skills take practice, and we aren’t perfect. This is neither good nor bad this is just the truth. And this truth is intended to draw us closer to God and other people, as we live interdependently on one another.

Yet the enemy of our souls has other plans. He watches for the earliest opportunity to twist our developmental mishaps and people’s words about them into shame-laden wounds. Wounds which turn us away from God and other people. Wounds which burden us with shame and condemnation.

Healing these wounds is possible, but it starts with recognition of the lie.

Satan uses this lie – that we are supposed to be enough but aren’t – to entice us into various forms of self-destruction that at best take decades to break. For some the cycle is one of numbing and self-abusing through substances (e.g. alcohol, drugs, caffeine, food). For some the cycle is flesh-feeding distractions and adrenaline-seeking entertainment (e.g. pornography, excessive video gaming, compulsive exercise). For some it is the constant, nagging drive to do more and push harder in an effort to validate one’s value and prove the devil wrong (e.g. excessive Type-A behavior, workaholism, perfectionism). Perhaps other forms of self-abuse come to mind.

There is something innate in us that knows we are fallible, imperfect creatures yet we somehow think we need to hide the reality of our humanity. Perhaps we believe we are the only imperfect humans (social media certainly doesn’t help with this). We insist on trying to hide our humanity in hopes that others don’t notice. I think the following are the most likely reasons:

  • Pride – We don’t want to humble ourselves before God.
  • Fear of Rejection – If God or the people in our lives found out we weren’t perfect, they would reject us.
  • Fear of Vulnerability – We fear having our weaknesses exposed, so we try to hide them rather than heal them.
  • Fear of Being Unlovable – We believe the only way we can be loved is to trick people into thinking we are perfect and therefore deserving of love.  
  • Fear of Being Unvalued – We place the evidence of our worth in the earthly products of our striving and straining (e.g. home, family, appearance, bank account, title, etc.).

Every one of us battles this belief in one form or another or at one time or another. In our own way, until we are healed, we strive and strain trying to put demands on ourselves with which we were never meant to be burdened.

When you stop to think about it, the questions are absurd. Enough of what? Enough for what? Enough for whom? These questions are without answers because the premise is flawed. You weren’t created to be enough, you were created to BE. (You may want to check out a blog post I wrote on BEing human, titled “What’s On Your Bucket List? (#18).”

And who told you that you had to be enough? The same critter that put the same lie in the minds of Adam and Eve, that they were lacking and should take action to mitigate what they were missing. And just like us, the moment they complied with his lie they suddenly became uncomfortable with their humanity and felt shame.

Adam said to God, “…I was afraid because I was naked, so I hid.”

Then [God] asked, “Who told you that you were naked?”

Again, I ask: who told you that you aren’t enough but should be? You were lovingly and painstakingly created by the Sovereign, Self-Existent, Holy, Perfect, Eternal, Only God of the Universe (Psalm 139). Your value was determined by your Creator at the time He created you, merely by the fact that He chose to create you. And your value was echoed by your Redeemer who took extraordinary lengths at great personal cost to give you the option of choosing Him.

Friend, the beautiful truth is that you are so incredibly valuable, just because you exist, just because He created you. Your very life is valuable. Today, on this Valentine’s Day, let me remind you of something that deep down you already know, and free you from the enemy’s trap: you are not enough, you were never expected to be, and you are deeply loved anyway.

Reflection Questions

  • Do you believe it? Or are you still believing the father of lies? If you recognize the lie you’ve been believing, use the steps found HERE to renounce, repent, rebuke, release, replace, rejoice, and redeem those lies for good!
  • How does understanding your value as something innate in your being rather than earned change the way you see yourself?
  • What voices—internal or external—have shaped your definition of “enough”?
  • In what areas of your life is God inviting you to lay down shame, turn to Him in repentance, and receive His grace instead?

Closing Prayer

Jesus,
We confess how often we strive to be what we were never meant to be. Thank You for loving us while we were still sinners, for paying the price we could not pay, and for calling us beloved instead of rejected.Teach us to rest in Your enoughness. Heal the places where shame still whispers lies.
Help us walk in freedom, humility, and gratitude—knowing our value is secure because it is held by You. Amen.

Enough Expectations (#40)

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Isn’t it hard Enough? Life, I mean…adulting. There are constant demands, expectations, and the never-ending cycle of bills. Everyone wants something from you. In the last post, #39, I talked about regrets – the woulda, coulda, shoulda’s from our past that we carry around. Today, I want to talk about the present and future woulda, coulda, shoulda’s – in other words: expectations.

In addition to the actual requirements of daily adulting, we are inundated with expectation after expectation. Some of those expectations come from other people – all the ways we don’t measure up in their eyes – yet most of the unrealistic expectations on our lives come from us. And we carry those expectations around like baggage in our minds and on our souls.

I should do this. I could do that. They would like me to do such and such. Do you ever want to say “Enough!”? Even if these things are good or enjoyable, we can easily become drained, stretched too thin, or find ourselves chasing someone else’s ideas of what we ought to do or be. (By the way, I have more on this in post #18, What’s on Your Bucket List?)

Do we really take the time to look at our calendars (or our wallets!) and really think about where we want to spend our precious resources: time, talent, treasure, and energy? Or do we let others dictate it to us? Do we set our priorities or do “they” (whoever “they” are)? How to “they” know what we need anyway?

I was reminded of this today at the bank. I met with a lady banker to open a new account. She was kind, beautiful, and while it was subtle, I noticed that she had not washed her hair today. She had at least day 2 hair. As I sat there, I reflected on how that cultural expectation has changed since I was younger. I notice that a lot of women now are feeling comfortable going out for the day without freshly washed hair. (Hello dry shampoo!) That’s so refreshing!

But I also know that, conversely, showing up to your kid’s soccer game (really any kids activity) is about as much pressure as the 20-year class reunion. The proverbial (and actual) soccer moms show up with hair and makeup all done up meticulously to look like they just rolled out of bed, complete with overpriced designer athletic clothing…and of course the Starbuck’s in hand. A youth sporting event in many cases is akin to a local beauty pageant, with all of the trappings of the regrettable high-school cliques. I have several nieces and nephews and I have been to many a soccer, hockey, baseball, basketball, football, or volleyball game. I would observe this behavior and internally shake my head. Wow, we women really can’t escape the pressure to look a certain way, act a certain way, dress a certain way – even at little league events.

I think we need to give ourselves and each other a break! We women have been competing against one another for too long. Rather than competing against one another we should be competing for one another. Afterall, a rising tide lifts all boats. Can we agree to not put pressure and expectations on one another? Can we just give each other a break? Please.

Let’s be intentional to not give in to the expectations of other people. We have to know what we need and be ok with making our own choices, and we need to be ok with others doing the same. Had a rough week and just want to get an extra half-hour of sleep on Saturday morning before the little league game rather than arriving with freshly washed hair – go for it! Prioritize what gives you margin and allows you to be kind to yourself while still making it to the game. You Rock Mom!

I was super proud of that working mom at the bank. By the pictures on her desk, I could tell she had two kids and she mentioned she was divorced. Life is probably stressful and busy. I’m glad she chose to not wash her hair today; I was proud of her for choosing Enough. And I smiled, because today I did the same.

The next time you have an expectation for someone else, perhaps consider the weight of the load they are already carrying. Rather than heaping expectations upon them, adding guilt and shame to their already burdened back, give them the grace to take that load off instead.

Soul BREATH (#24)

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As I write this post, I’m struggling a bit. Do you ever have a day when you want to crawl back into bed and pull the covers up over your head…and stay there…for 4 days? I guess you could say, I’ve already had enough of this week. My soul is tired. Sometimes life is like that. The to do lists and the weight of daily responsibilities have a way of taking a toll sometimes.

I think this occurs when one gets too much of something – even if that something is good – and too little of something else. Life gets a bit out of balance. If the Enough Life is the sweet spot between too little (scarcity) and too much (excess), I have to wonder what have I had too little of lately and of what have I had too much?

Too MuchToo Little
Unrealistic expectationsUnstructured time
WorkTime with people I love
HypervigilanceWalking with the dog
Constant productionSoaking time with Jesus
HouseworkSleep

I feel a bit out of breath.

That makes me think of the creation story recorded in the Bible. In the second chapter of Genesis we are told that the LORD God breathed into Adam’s nostrils and Adam became a living being. The breath of life. Yes, that’s what I need right now. My soul needs a fresh breath. The kind of breath that is refreshing and life-giving.

I realize that I have let the ever-present to do lists get more than enough attention at the expense of the things that are life-giving for me, things that nourish my heart and soul. Therefore, I will add life-giving activities to the very top of my To Do List this week…well, right after my nap.

What gives your soul breath? What is life-giving for you right now?

Cutting Wedding Cake

Who ever said “Nothing But The Best Will Do”? (Post #14)

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Have you ever met someone who always seems to think they need the newest and best of everything? I mean, they won’t take something that would perfectly meet their need unless it is also the top of the line…even if their budget won’t support the top of the line? Perhaps you are someone like that. Have you ever wondered why?

Now, don’t get me wrong, I like nice things. I just don’t believe that nice things – or even the best things – equal the most expensive things. Marketers work very hard to convince us that the higher price means better, but price does not equal the value the consumer receives. Marketers have trained most people to think that the higher the price the more identity-benefit in owning it. And, most people believe this without even thinking about it.  

But where does the idea come from that we need the top of the line? Does a material possession that will ultimately decay, break, or become obsolete really impact our self-worth? Does our wanting the top of the line come from a true need or are we compensating for something? 

I was recently reminded of this issue while helping a someone make a significant decision. Despite not having the financial resources or the need, this person’s stance was ‘the top of the line or nothing,’ even when there was more than a $10,000 difference between the options and a lower option would meet her need every bit as much as the top of the line without burying her in debt.

It made me think of my wedding day. It was a glorious day, perfect weather for the early spring date, and everything went according to plan. It was perfect, right down to the last slice of cake and glorious rose petal. When my husband and I were planning our wedding, we recognized that it was an incredibly important day, but it was just one day. We were both working professionals and while we didn’t have a lot in savings, we knew we could reasonably afford whatever we wanted the day to be. We talked about what was most important and where we thought it was best to spend a little more and where we could save a little money. We discovered areas where spending more to get the higher priced item wouldn’t actually add any more value to the day or our memory of it, so we decided to scale the spending back on those items…same bang (benefit) for less bucks. I will say that this is completely subjective, and our list would not necessarily be your list, but I’m sure we each have elements of our special day that were more meaningful than others.

For example, we splurged on flowers. I love roses and wanted nothing but red and white roses. I think our flowers were the most spectacular flowers I have ever seen (acknowledging that I may be biased).

We also have a love of music. My husband is especially fond of the violin and classical music. I love old churches and we found the perfect old beautiful chapel with a massive pipe organ. So we splurged on musicians. We hired an organist who knew how to work magic on those old pipes. We also hired two violinists, a cellist and a professional trumpet player. It was spectacular! Over a decade later I still have people tell me that the music sends chills down their spine when they think of our wedding. My intro was grand and glorious with the trumpet announcing my arrival, and then the others joining in. Ya’ll, the recessional was to Trumpet Voluntary…TRUMPET VOLUNTARY!!! 

While we decided that the flowers and the music were our most important items, we also decided that the cake was not so important to us. Oh sure, we wanted to feed delicious cake to our guests, we just didn’t want to feed $900 cake to our guests. Despite my mother’s protest, I canceled the appointment with the trendy bakery and took a picture to my local supermarket bakery counter. I wanted classic, elegant, and delicious, but I was convinced I could do it for a reasonable price. In the end, I spent $97 for three sheet cakes and three 9″ two-tier cakes with a classic scroll design to decorate with red roses and place on the cake table. DONE! And, all night people commented that the cake was so delicious. 

We made trade offs, taking a “lower model” in some areas and going “top of the line” in other areas, to suit our specific dreams for the day. We prioritized our spending to ensure we focused on that which was really important, and did not mortgage our future with wedding debt to cover added expenses that delivered no added value for us. 

So, the next time you are looking for the top of the line, ask yourself these questions to determine if the investment, and the trade off, is really worth it:

  1. What is the need or problem I am trying to solve with this purchase?
  2. What features does the top of the line have that the other models don’t? Do I need those features?
  3. What model most closely matches the actual need/use I have for this item? Does the need truly merit the most expensive item?
  4. Will a more expensive model really give me the added value?
  5. What is the opportunity cost of buying the more expensive item? In other words, what am I giving up by choosing the more expensive item and is the trade-off worth it? (Really think about this, you may be surprised at the tangible and intangible costs…more time at work; loss of peace due to more debt; additional interest payments beyond the base price; additional time and expense in maintenance and upkeep; fear of loss or damage; unnecessarily decreasing your savings and therefore your financial safety net; inability to purchase something else needed more?)
  6. Would selecting a different model be a challenge to your identity somehow? If so, ask yourself why?

In case you haven’t heard this before, I will tell you now. You are more than your material possessions. You are more valuable than all the riches Elon Musk could ever accumulate. You don’t need the top of the line to be special. You are already special to the One who made you!

You are already ENOUGH!

What Is Enough? (Post #13)

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How do you define enough? I mean how do YOU define enough? Have you had enough? How would you know? What I do know is that too little is not enough and too much is more than enough.

Dictionary.com defines “enough” as: “adequate for the want or need; sufficient for the purpose or to satisfy desire”

You see I believe there is a continuum with too little on one end and too much on the other, and enough right in the middle: too little – enough – too much.

I have spent most of my life striving and straining for the next “thing”, only to run right past the point of enough to the point of exhaustion. We strive and strain and worry in order to find enough, but we end up with more than enough – we end up with excess. We pass right by enough and don’t even notice it. We think that when we get more we will feel satisfied. Yet, when we get to too much we still aren’t satisfied.

How can this be? Since too much is past enough, then wouldn’t that be more than the amount needed to satisfy…like super-satisfy? Yet, it isn’t satisfying at all. Do we shoot right past fully satisfied to unsatisfied? It sure seems like it.

Perhaps the continuum ought to be: unsatisfied – enough – unsatisfied. Could it be that the only place of full, true satisfaction and joy isn’t more and more, it’s just enough?