Woulda Coulda Shoulda

Woulda, Coulda, Shoulda (#39)

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How much of your mental real estate do you devote to yesterday?

It’s almost second nature for us to dwell on our “I would have”, “I could have”, and our “I should have” thoughts. I call these the “woulda, coulda, shoulda’s.” These thoughts induce shame and include all of our mistakes, regrets, and missed opportunities. Thoughts like:

  • I should have gone to…
  • I could have accomplished that dream if…
  • I would have made a great…
  • I shouldn’t have said that.
  • If only I had taken that leap of faith and…
  • I shouldn’t have done that.
  • I could have been at my goal ____ if only I…
  • I should have told that person how much I loved them.
  • I could have made a difference in this area if…
  • I shouldn’t have wasted so much ___.
  • I would have been better off if I had said/done…
  • I shouldn’t have made that decision.

Sound familiar? So much time and energy is spent on these kinds of thoughts which have no ability to change yesterday, only to distract us from today. We focus on this regret rather than learning from our mistakes, letting them go, and using them as training ground for better decisions ahead.

For most people, the woulda, coulda, shoulda’s occupy valuable real estate in their thought lives and energy capacity. Regret is draining.  As time passes, these thoughts become heavier and heavier to carry around. It burdens our minds, our spirits, and our souls. When we give our thought life over to our woulda, coulda, shoulda’s it robs us from living in and enjoying the here and now. Viewing life from the rear-view mirror causes us to miss what’s in front of us – people in our lives now, upcoming obstacles to navigate, beautiful scenery to enjoy, and milestones up ahead to achieve.

Let me get personal for a moment. You can’t live in the past. You can’t change your past. We can mourn our tragedies and mistakes for a season, but then it is time to dust ourselves off and try again. You must realize that you can only change your future by making the best possible decisions today.

You can determine right now to take that space in your mind back. No more woulda, coulda, shoulda. You can decide not to spend 2022 wishing and regretting. I’m not talking about making a new year’s resolution. I’m talking about breaking free of the past and living for today and your future. I’m talking about taking every woulda, coulda, shoulda thought captive. I’m talking about being intentional this new year and for the rest of your days to examine your thoughts and let the past (regrets and all) reside in the past.

Resolve to build a future with no regrets. A future focused on that which you truly love. Let go of other people’s expectations – let them carry their own baggage – and be who YOU were created to be. The “others” don’t get to decide what gives you joy and peace. You don’t have to fit into their mold.

If you need professional help, seek it. If you have hurt someone, apologize and make amends. If you have been wronged, forgive. If you are in Christ (2 Corinthians 5:17), go boldly into the throne room of God (Hebrews 4:16), confess your sins, and walk away sure of your forgiveness (1 John 1:9).

Let this be the year you accept who you are, past and all. Then move forward with intention to find your place of Enough. The place of perfect abundance and genuine satisfaction. Do it now. Don’t waste another minute on yesterday when you have precious tomorrows to steward well.

Heartache for the Holidays (#38)

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During this time of year, I often think back to one of the first posts I wrote (Enough for “the Holidays”). That post speaks to the dichotomy around so many of us this time of the year – scarcity (time, resources, sanity) and excess (spending, eating, commitments). That post encourages us to think deeply about what really matters and not to waste our time, energy, and resources on activities that don’t really add joy to our lives.

This Christmas season the dichotomy has struck me in another way. Amid the joy and celebrations there are many who also experience much heartache.

In the past few months, I have lost three people who were important to me. One to suicide, one to a tragic accident, and one just this week to unexpected illness. All so young and vibrant, with so much life yet to be lived. Two of them left little ones behind. All three made the world a better place just by being in it.

As I look at the gifts yet to be wrapped, the sting of loss pierces my heart. I would gladly give up all of the holiday trappings to have any one of those lives back with us. It has been a hard week; a hard few months. It seems so surreal to watch the world go on around me while my heartache is so very real.

For some of us, “the holidays” will never be the same again. We join countless others of you who grieve in the shadows this time of year. So, to those who grieve I say, “pace yourself, be kind to yourself, and don’t be afraid to hold unapologetically to your Enough point – the place where you find your least amount of pain and your greatest amount of joy at this time of year, whatever that may be. As one of those I lost this fall would say, friend, “you do you”. Let go of unrealistic and unhealthy expectations. Drop  “woulda, coulda, shoulda” from your vocabulary. Take a deep breath. Cry when you need to and rest when your body or soul says to rest.

And, to everyone else, I ask that you please have grace and compassion for all who have heartache for the holidays.

The Pecking Order (#37)

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In every industry and organization there is a pecking order – an implied hierarchy reminiscent of the caste systems prevalent in some cultures around the world in which people are assigned to a socio-economic class based on their family of origin, with some people in higher classes and some assigned to lower classes. Why do we tolerate this grown-up version of elementary school antics in our organizations?

Why do Some People feel the need to be above Other People, or to create groups or cliques for the purpose of identifying those perceived to be greater vs. lesser? Why can’t we all belong without needing a pecking order of counterfeit superiority? Many places in scripture are clear that all people are made in the image of God and created equal. We read in Malachi 2:10, “Have we not all one Father? Has not one God created us? Why then are we faithless to one another…” (ESV2) And likewise, Job says, “Did not He who made me in the womb make my servant, and did not the same One fashion us both in the womb?” (Job 31:15 AMP1).

If we are all created equal, then the attempt to make Other People less and Some People more is an exchange where we attempt to take something away from Other People and give that something to Some People. Let me show you using simple algebra:  

(Other People) – X = (Some People)    OR   (Other People) = (Some People) + X

Why do Some People feel the need to take something (X) from Other People…and what is that something? Is it perceived value, dignity, esteem?

Does it work?

All of us play a role in resisting the idea when it shows up in our spheres of influence. As leaders, we must be careful what we tolerate within our organizational culture. What we tolerate, we promote. (Heads up: you will one day have to answer for how you treated people, and I believe this will be part of that discussion.)

If you are secure enough in who you are, you don’t need to put others down to defend your worth. You know your value – not in a counterfeit, puffed up, arrogant sense but in a way that recognizes you don’t need to put others down to prop yourself up. You are valued for being uniquely you…made by your Creator on purpose for a purpose. Your value is not dependent on the value of others or the value others attempt to ascribe to you.

Another Way

Rather than attempting to make the proverbial haves and have-nots, we could focus instead on the old adage that “A rising tide lifts all boats.” What if instead of trying to take something away from one group (Other People) to give it to another group (Some People) we instead tried to build up All People? What if instead of trying to wrestle with the zero-sum game of earthly algebra we instead looked to God who is limitless and Good Enough (see blog post #25 and 27). He alone is able to add good to both sides of the equation…no winners and losers, no haves and have-nots.

(Other People) + X = (Some People) + X

It’s powerful when we realize we can build another person up without taking anything away from ourselves. All People have value and every individual is important to the success of the whole. When we recognize this, we all will benefit.

Who can you build up this week?

__________________________

1 Amplified Bible (AMP) Copyright © 2015 by The Lockman Foundation, La Habra, CA 90631.

2The Holy Bible, English Standard Version (ESV®), 2016. Copyright © 2001 by Crossway Bibles, a publishing ministry of Good    News Publishers.

Enough Baggage (#36)

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Do you have baggage? We all do.

It’s like we are each born with an empty suitcase. All through life we accumulate stuff that we store in our suitcase. This stuff is not trinkets and treasures, clothes or souvenirs.  Oh no, we pack our suitcase with our mistakes, shame, lies, and fears. All the stuff we don’t want anyone else to see.

Every bad or sad or hurtful thing we’ve done or thought. Every good or kind or helpful thing we haven’t done that we should have. We just keep packing and the bag keeps getting heavier.

And life goes on, everyone with their suitcase. We even can start to think it’s OK to have this baggage.  After all, everyone has a suitcase.

We try to dress up our suitcase with decorations and scented sachet’s. We can try to make it pretty, or trendy, or even try camouflage. We can try to hide the stench of what’s inside. But our baggage is there, getting heavier all the time. We continue through life packing our shame, failures, guilt, and pain inside. All the while hoping no one notices or sees what’s inside. Yet we know.

Sometimes the bag gets heavy, clumsy, or awkward to carry…still we keep packing it, all the while cleverly finding ways to hide the contents from everyone else. Once in a while, if we’re really brave, we show some of the contents to special people we trust, like our spouse or our very best friends. Sometimes they are shocked. Sometimes they cry with us. Sometimes they get mad. Sometimes they scold us. Sometimes they try to help. Sometimes we learn people are unsafe.

And sometimes they can help. A little. They can encourage us when our bag is heavy and the hill ahead seems long and far too steep. Yet the truth of the matter remains: no matter how much they want to help, all of the contents still belong to us.

One of the things in life that weigh us down – emotionally, mentally, and yes, even physically – is that we carry around baggage that actually isn’t even ours. We will explore this in future posts. Carrying around that which isn’t ours to carry adds needless weight to our journey.

This category will explore how we can evaluate our suitcase, unpack it, and lighten our load…for good!

So, what’s in your suitcase?

Listen Up, Leader (#35)

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There are some really great leaders, some not-so-great-leaders…and then there are really bad leaders. There are terrible leaders, micro managers, impatient leaders, selfish leaders, egotistical leaders, unappreciative leaders, unreasonable leaders, and weak leaders who are afraid to do their job. And maybe the worst kind of leader is the leader who doesn’t listen.

Some leaders think that they wake up with an invisible cape around their shoulders that makes them the expert in all things. If you are a leader (and we are all leaders in some way), I am delighted to tell you that you don’t know everything.

Regardless of how long you have been in your industry, your company, or your particular role (even as leader in the home), you really do not know everything. The world is changing at an incredible pace, your competitors are getting smarter, and technology is throwing new curve balls at your organization every day. It isn’t possible to know everything, and only the most arrogant or ignorant leader would think otherwise. Your title did not come with superpowers. (And by the way, your team is already painfully aware that you don’t know everything!)

The antidote to this ill: be curious. Ask questions about issues. Invite your team and those who do have the details to weigh in and give you advice. Trust them. Recognize that they are closer to the details, closer to the problems, closer to the consequences of your decision, and closer to the customer. They will have an important perspective and critical details which you will need to make a quality decision. I admit that they also have limited knowledge of some of the other details you must consider. Nonetheless, be curious, get the facts, and whenever possible let them in on your thought process.

Leaders may make the final decision in many cases (though a good leader knows when they can allow others to decide), yet they should not do so without soliciting and listening to the advice of their team and seriously considering the implications of their decision. Be honest, who should you be listening to more often? This week, surprise your team as you seek to listen more and exhibit a genuine spirit of curiosity about their vantage point.